Grace-Filled Conversations
So many of our conversations today, political or otherwise, are filled with frustration, anger and disdain. We see this in long wait lines at the grocery store, passionate comments on Facebook, disagreements at church council meetings or rising tempers at family dinners. In these days, as our cultural anxiety grows facing a deadly pandemic, societal change, and political unrest, the temptation to scorn our fellow human beings makes it difficult to reach for the common humanity that connects us all.
Diagnosing the Problem
This past February, Arthur Brooks, former head of the American Enterprise Institute, a Washington based conservative think tank, addressed lawmakers at the National Prayer Breakfast. “I am here today to talk about what I believe is the biggest crisis facing our nation —and many other nations—today. This is the crisis of contempt—the polarization that is tearing our society apart.”
After reading from Matthew 5:43-45 about loving our neighbors, Brooks continued, “In the words of the 19th century philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer, contempt is ‘the unsullied conviction of the worthlessness of another.’ In politics today, we treat each other as worthless, which is why our fights are so bitter and cooperation feels nearly impossible.”
Martin Luther recognized this temptation in us all as he encouraged us to think of our neighbor in the best light possible in his explanation of the eigth commandment. This is, of course, easier said than done. But it is not impossible. When we ground ourselves in love, patience, and kindness, we will find the path to grace-filled conversations. This year, as we face a contentious election season, impossible decisions about school, worship, and family gatherings, we have the capacity to grow our relationships with one another with grace and harmony rather than contempt or discord.
Begin with Yourself
In their book, I Think You’re Wrong (But I’m Listening), Sarah Stewart Holland & Beth Silvers, two friends, came together across the political divide to see if they could ground their conversations in grace. These two Christian women share the strong belief that even though we disagree politically, we can: respect the dignity of every person, recognize that issues are nuanced and cannot be reduced to political talking points, listen in order to understand, and choose gentleness and patience. They offer clear and helpful tools to engage in grace-filled political conversations.
They begin with the very important reminder that the only person’s behavior you can truly influence is your own. My 10-year son and I regularly have this conversation as we navigate his school friendships, homework, and house chores. He and I both find we must work at remembering we cannot control another’s actions. But our behavior does have consequences that affect others. And so when we enter into conversations with others about tough topics, it is important that we know what we value and why so that we can begin to understand the impact our actions have on others. Brene Brown, in her work with non-profit organizations and companies, provides a tool that invites us to think about the core values that provide our foundation. When we understand these better, we can understand what moves us to action or keeps us immobile.
Actions have Consequences
Some years ago, I was invited to give the invocation at a political rally in a town about an hour’s drive from my congregation. While I am still not quite sure how the local organizers got my name, I was incredibly flattered, especially as a relatively new pastor, to be invited. I accepted the invitation and then called my council president to let him know and then immersed myself in preparations. It was an amazing event and even more so to see congregation members in the crowd as I lifted our country and our election processes in prayer.
Not everyone was thrilled, however. The next day I received some angry calls at my home and at the church from those who identified with the ‘other’ side and from council members who felt they should have been notified. Some learned of my participation from their coworkers and were irritated that I did not share this information with them ahead of time. They were not wrong. The actions I take while serving as the pastor of a congregation affect the whole congregation and the whole church.
The glow of the event faded as I began the process of calling members of my council to apologize for not letting them know in advance. Even though I felt I was eating crow, many of these calls led to really good conversations about politics, religion, and the intersections between them. As a congregation, this became the impetus for discussions about ELCA social statements and the history of the Church’s involvement in civic life. While we all never agreed fully on political matters, we were able to lay a foundation of respect for our conversations and built a framework for listening and engaging.
I’d like to tell you that all of my relationships were repaired through this process, but that is not the case. There were a few people who left the church during this time. Perhaps it was because of my speech, perhaps it was because we worked to speak openly about faith and politics. I will never know, because I was unable to meet them in conversation. These broken relationships still grieve me.
Culturally, we are in a different place right now as our country has become much more polarized. I recognize that if my actions from over 10 years ago were to take place today, the responses might be quite different. But the process would still be the same. The way we can begin conversations on difficult topics is by grounding ourselves in the relationships, the faith and the community we share. If we start from a place of love and respect, we can escape the trappings of contempt.
Grace-Filled Conversations
We are relational beings. That is why this time of pandemic isolation has been so difficult, even though technology keeps us connected by phone and digital gatherings. We see the fraying of relationships in social media and newspaper comments where screens cannot take the place of human interactions. And while digital conversation is what many of us have to work with these days, our online conversations should not and cannot be only with those who think and believe like us. If we stay in these echo chambers, the problem of contempt for the thoughts and ideas of others only grows.
As Christians, we are called to engage the whole body of Christ, to love our sisters and brothers with whom we disagree, and by doing so, we can overcome the crisis of contempt.
When we engage conversations with grace, empathy, nuance, and curiosity, we find our own world view may expand as our relationships with others take priority over our ideologies.
How do we do this? We practice.
We practice our conversations, intentionally grounding ourselves in prayer and God’s word, reminded that we have been recipients of the grace we are called to show to others.
We cultivate trust with our family and friends, nurturing the relationships that have given us life in the past and do not all have to be broken to move us to the future we value and hope for.
We apologize. We apologize again and again for mistakes we make, words said in anger, and assumptions made in ignorance, and we forgive as we have been forgiven.
We try again. Every Sunday in our worship we are reminded that we are sinners in need of Grace. We confess this, receive forgiveness, and then we are sent out to this world God loves so much to share the good news of reconciliation and grace.
This season, as we navigate difficult conversations with our sisters and brothers in Christ, we remember the message of the Gospel that casts out all fear and contempt. S
Keep Practicing Grace-Filled Conversations...
Are you interested in a workshop on Grace-Filled Conversations?
Single or multi-session workshops are led by Pastor Melissa Stoller. Email: melissa.stoller@elca.org
A synod-wide zoom book discussion on I Think You’re Wrong (But I’m Listening) will be offered this winter. This will be a three-part discussion held over three weeks which will model the ways you can use this resource in your congregation. Watch the Tuesday email (sign up at swpasynod.org/wayfarer) and the synod Facebook page for more information.
Pastor Melissa L. Stoller
Director for Evangelical Mission & Assistant to the Bishop
melissa.stoller@elca.org | 412-367-8222